Friday, June 3, 2011

The Thing About Chatty Catties

We've been gone for a while at Tara's Bad Advice.  I guess the world wasn't prepared for what we had in store for them. Nevertheless, we're back, and it's on! The mail bag is full, and it's time to get down to business.  Let's solve all the world's problems one piece of bad advice at a time.

Terry writes: What do you do with a friend that puts you in a near coma talking endlessly about their pets but won't listen to anything you have to say about your own?
Your advice would be received graciously.
from 'If You Can Dish It, You Should Take It' 

That's a good question, Terry.  As pet owners, we all love to talk about our precious little friends.  After all, they're cute and cuddly, and oh so smart!  We love them so much, and are so interested in every little aspect of their lives, that sometimes we expect everyone else to be interested as well.

And they are, to a point.  We all love to hear the odd cute or special thing that your cat has done, and, in return, maybe we can share what's so special about our little buddy.  The problem arises when someone goes on and on and on, and the conversation somehow devolves into endless chatter about Fluffy's potty habits and the adorable sweater their aunt Edna made for him last week.  At no point do you get to mention the fact that while they were rambling incoherently, your cat recited the periodic table of the elements, while giving a ten minute powerpoint presentation on the state of affairs in Zimbabwe AND cooked a 5 course gourmet meal.

So what do you do?  Well, you could wait for a break in the chatter and politely explain that while you appreciate their love of their pet, you would also like a chance to talk about all the wonderful thing your pet does as well.  You could.  I'm not sure that's going to work though, as your friend is CLEARLY insane.  She's proven this by stripping her poor baby of all dignity and subjecting your delicate soul to things that no one needs to hear about.  You're going to need a more drastic approach.

This is what you're going to do.  First, tie your friend to a chair.  I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you have an advanced knowledge of sturdy knots.  You're in Oregon, so you must be fairly rugged, no?  Once she's secure in the chair, you're going to need to gag her.  There are several options for this, but personally, I prefer a ball gag, because, well... erm... that's probably a topic for another day.

Next, extol your cat's (or dog's or bird's) virtues until you are satisfied you've said all you need.  Leave out anything that embarrasses your pet.  Animals deserve dignity too.    After you're done talking, blindfold your friend, loosen up the restraints just enough so that your friend (who likely by this point is a "former friend") can get out on her own.  Make sure escape is not too easy though, as you're going to need time to make your getaway.  

Lastly, pack up your pet and your most precious possessions and get the hell out of there.  Assume you will never return to your home again, and prepare for the fact that you may be the subject of a police manhunt.

Well, Terry, I hope this solves your problem for you, and you never again have to deal with a chatty pet owner.  You're welcome.

*Have a problem that needs solving?  Drop me a line at